This week on Marie Claire Industries™, we investigated why your hair just before a haircut (open in new tab) seems to resent you. In this issue, we bring you an important, scientifically grounded study on how caffeine and the different ways we consume it affect our productivity. Science is fun, isn't it?" ::Erlenmeyer flasks explode behind me::

Technically, caffeine from any source behaves the same way when it enters the body - i.e. "like go-go juice for adults" - but from personal experience would indicate that this is not exactly true. Here, coffee, tea, energy drinks, etc., are evaluated by the only criterion that actually matters: how quickly they get the job done.

You can live forever. You could die. But who cares when you need energy like a jagged bolt of lightning? (Or to avoid Alzheimer's disease, heart disease, or cirrhosis of the liver.)

But back to immortality, the longer I don't die, the longer I can keep working for the man. That's what I mean when I think about productivity from a big picture perspective. P.S. When this delightful office switched from full-fat coffee to decaf (opens in new tab), productivity dropped 19%.

The unnamed caffeine-sensitive person mentioned earlier was told that tea makes him mean, which is not so surprising considering that some contain up to 70 milligrams of caffeine per 8 oz. But while coffee has the potential for jitters, tea boosts blood pressure, heart rate, alertness, and energy, so you don't have to shiver in the corner like a junkie suffering withdrawal symptoms. I've never done that, though.

At this critical point in my "research," I introduce the most scientific tool of all: Google, the most scientific tool of all, to showcase the potential, shall we say, workflow disruptors that other worshipers at the altar of caffeine have searched for.

Because not once (opens in new tab) will you take a sip, goggle, get nauseous, and spend the rest of the day in irrational fear of the pencil eraser. Or so I've heard.

The expert side of science has yet to prove that drinking a Red Bull every day raises your heart rate like a runaway metronome (open in new tab), but it has raised concerns about prolonged use and a list of ingredients that so far have passed FDA standards.

Roller coaster-like and unreliable. Not recommended.

A 2013 Harvard study found that drinking two cups of hot chocolate (opens in new tab) a day for a month improved blood flow to the brain and improved memory and thinking test scores in elderly people with poor blood flow. I see. Happy afternoon eating Jacques Torres while watching Panda's live stream (opens in new tab). And that in itself is the biggest upside.

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