I was at my desk on a recent Monday morning, eating cold Tostitos cheese with a spoon.

"Check Twitter."

"Are you okay?"

It was an emergency: my boyfriend, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, has a new girlfriend.

USA.

If you want to "Lolol", go ahead. (Everyone I knew did.)

Aside from an important New York Times think piece (opens in new tab), life at Corona Lockdown has been pretty harmless for me so far. No kids, no pets. Just a not-too-large apartment on the Upper West Side of New York City filled with home goods and a lot of beautiful things I bought at the outlet. At home, she can work without a bra, deftly tucks her breasts under her armpits when replying to work e-mails, and thankfully wears pants to host a morning radio show on SiriusXM from her living room.

What I look forward to every day like clockwork, however, is New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's 11 a.m. press conference (sometimes delayed to start at 11:30). I have taken to calling this wait "Cuomo FOMO.") Like a heavy blanket of velvet over my soul, the moment I saw this man's perfectly weathered face and curled hair, the moment his Pacino-like accent filled my living room with mafia-like majesty, my blood pressure dropped, my chest heaved of its own accord, a tingling sense of optimism imprisoned body and I think to myself ... I think we're going to be okay.

Also: I think I'm in love with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo.

Andrew Cuomo, 62, Sagittarius, divorced, recently single after a tabloid breakup with Sandra Lee, father, dog owner, and brother of the arguably (much) hotter CNN anchor, Chris Cuomo. Let's talk a little about Chris. If I say "hot Cuomo," you say "Chris." I can see that: Chris is Adonis. I met Chris once in the offices of SiriusXM, where he also has a show (prayingHRdoesntreadthis), and his huge, manly presence was so amazing that I looked away and jumped down the open elevator shaft, my lips automatically settling on my gums . Marvel at this vintage photo of Andrew, Chris, and my father Mario in the middle:

Hmmm, okay, Chris Cuomo. The nerve of that body. Abs like washboard muscles. As someone who is neither stupid nor blind, I get it. But before I go any further, Chris is too hot. Would I want a man carved out of Carrara marble to see my physique after quarantine? I don't want a "hot" cuomo. Not only because he is happily married and has a beautiful family, but also because the only washboard I *need* is the one I have to use to wash sheets in the Hudson after all the laundromats have closed. My Governor... My hot cuomo... From Mr. Andrew Cuomo, I will surely get news.

Andrew's morning briefings are literally all I look forward to. While Trump's briefings are like stock footage of Toonces (open in new tab) driving this country to the edge of a mountain cliff, Gov. Cuomo speaks to his constituents with respect, grace, subtlety, and resolve. When you're reading PowerPoint slides full of daddy jokes, slow down, baby.

His PowerPoints are the best. Nothing reassures me more than watching Gov. Quamies give us a stern description of how fucked we are. Honestly, it makes this impending social and financial collapse a little more manageable. [A coronavirus pandemic is one of the most frightening things we have ever lived through. I hear more and more people losing their lives due to uncertainty, wait times, and our broken government system's failure to provide hospitals with equipment, masks, gowns, respirators, proper testing, and the true message about the severity of this raging virus. I live in Manhattan and all I hear from my window is the sound of ambulances several times an hour. It's horrifying and who knows what lies ahead.

But as a New Yorker at the epicenter of the epidemic here in the United States, the fact that Cuomo is at the helm gives me a glimmer of hope. And the fact that he resembles Tony Soprano's Lumiere doesn't hurt either...

P.S. Has anyone else noticed how nice his hands are? Trapped in my apartment, with nowhere else to focus my hormones, he is the only man in miles around who speaks directly to me. And apparently I am not the only one. Because I have noticed that many women are after my guy. On Twitter and the 'gram, the craving for Cuomo has reached a desert-like peak, and women are practically throwing themselves at him. Ladies, calm down. First of all, he likes blondes. His first wife, Kennedy. Blonde. Sandra Lee. Famous cocktail maker. Blonde. Well, that rules out half of them already. And in related news:

I'm blonde now.

Yes, word has spread: now everyone has a crush on my boyfriend, Governor Andrew Cuomo. But I am not intimidated. Because, despite the fact that I eat three out of five meals a day on Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I know that in a few weeks or months I will leave this apartment with a new zest for life that any man would find irresistible. So, Governor, if you're interested, slide your PowerPoint into my DMs and let's make it official.

Michelle Collins is a comedian and host of The Michelle Collins Show on Sirius XM Stars daily from 7-10AM ET. You can follow her cuomo thirst on Twitter (opens in new tab) & Instagram (opens in new tab) @michcoll.