My theory is this: If you're going to expose your vanity to the world, you might as well do it from the best angle. And nothing expresses vanity more perfectly than a mirror selfie. Mirror selfies are everywhere: Tinder profiles of shirtless men. Millennials' and Gen Z's Instagram outfits for WFH. Photo albums of themselves. I'm by no means a PhD in the matter, but since friends recommended me for this lesson on how to pose in front of Looking Glass, I thought I'd share my knowledge of the basics.

But first, let me show you a photo of 13-year-old Grand Duchess Anastasia (yes, the Anastasia of Romanov legend) taking a selfie in front of a mirror in 1913, perhaps the first human selfie. We give credit to the princess for paving the way for this.

As you may have noticed here, my legs look very long. But are they really this long? Let me ask you this: would the final scene of "Call Me by Your Name" have been as heartbreaking without Timmy Chalamet's shot? Negative. The angles are everything. A slanted mirror shot from the stomach up gives the illusion of a model's body, even if it isn't (I'm 5'5" and have a long torso). This is why many store mirrors are slanted. Have you ever gone home and tried on a dress in a reformat and wondered why it looked better in the fitting room?

I had three glasses of wine last night. You did. I ate all of my quarantine snacks in one sitting. Bronzed and craned my neck. Aloof and unaware of my glass-shattering jawline, TikTok's Jawline Check Challenge (opens in new tab) is based on the miracle of a jutting jaw. It may seem awkward to try, but it will look great. (This does not discriminate against double chins. I have a deep, deep respect for double chins and have warmed my neck through many winters.)

Sex appeal comes from the hip. Have you ever seen "The Birth of Venus" (opens in new tab)? She is modest, with her hair covering her pubic area, but she is undeniably attractive. That's because she has an S-curve with her body. Botticelli knew this. When she stands tall, she invites fewer gazes. Think of a time when someone is described as "square." It means that there are no ups and downs in that person's character, no crescendo, so to speak. The human body also has a crescendo; it is the most rounded part of the silhouette.

You may be off center, but at least you are interesting. It looks as if you didn't take a selfie. And what a sweet illusion it is to look as if you were accompanied by a traveling photojournalist. You're the one documenting how nice you look while doing the most mundane things, like sitting there with a cup of coffee and a book, thinking about butter pecans and the resurgence of mom jeans (opens in new tab), for example.

Go ahead: wave to yourself. If Narcissus (open in new tab) did that, he might have realized that it is not the object of his desire that he is staring at, but his own reflection. It also helps to have a bright background, but not in direct sunlight (your features will be blown out), to match your environment. One color scheme (green + yellow, blue + purple) pleases the eye, and Mother Nature is always soothing.

True illusion is perfection. Do not make your bed in the morning. Not combing your hair. Take a picture with your clothes scattered like anxiety. Mirror selfies do not need to scream LOOK AT ME. So social media is like a collective cry for help. The goal is to get looks, but LIKE! but not to beg for it. Likes! but you can still love yourself without it.

This requires a bit of setup, but if you can hold your phone up and activate the self-timer, you can take a mirror selfie next to an actual mirror. All set up and standing tall. Be proud of yourself "because you took it yourself". The best part of this is the sparks where the flash goes off. It's a starry night without Van Gogh. It's very stretched out. The result is still sweet.

Sometimes you don't see the best expressions. When you sit down, you automatically relax. If you freeze when a camera is pointed at you (even if it's your own selfie camera), this solution will make you look like you're hiding. Shoes are optional.

The round mirror is the hidden hero of the mirror selfie. Circular shapes envelop you, protect you, and make you feel whole (psychologically, this is true; you can't see the whole picture, but you can see the whole picture). (In this instance, you are the source). Think of it like a spotlight shining on you. [There is a reason for the power of a smile. The bigger your smile, the happier you appear. And happy people don't take bad selfies. This is an oversimplified quote from "Legally Blonde," but a smile can change your mood and your attitude.

Sometimes the best form is from the side. Picture a vintage sartorial photo like this (opens in new tab) or this (opens in new tab). Then exaggerate it by wearing something voluminous. I like gauchos (opens in new tab) for this reason. From the front they look like tulips, but from the side they look like a fashion ad from the 70s. Highly recommended. I want to come back.

In the 1996 film "The Mirror Has Two Faces" (opens in new tab), Rose (played by Queen Barbara Streisand) says: "I've been to a lot of places in my life that I've never been to. The experience makes us feel fully alive. The reality of everyday life is shattered and we are thrown into the sky. It may only be a moment, an hour, but that doesn't make it any less valuable. It leaves us with memories to cherish for a lifetime. To sum it up, a good photo is a memory of when you are at your most radiant. So make them beautiful and long-lasting.

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